How being a Mother has made me a better version of myself.
Disclaimer:
If you’re thinking welcoming more parents/women into your company, you should read these lines.
If you’re afraid of hiring women/parents, you should read these lines.
If you’re a working woman, and you’re thinking of having a family, you know what to do ;)
My name is Fanny, I’m a 32 years old and I have a 10 months baby boy.
I was born in France, at a time when you couldn’t give your surname to your own kid if you’re a woman. And I was raised in a world where a mom (mine) had to stop being a dancer and become a dance teacher so she could take care of the household, her job, and her kids. Before the French law was issued in March 2005 that helped a woman conciliate private and professional life, there was no official trial for equality between women and men at work.
I started working before the Me too movement and worked in some very non-human nor women-friendly companies where I had to shut my mouth to keep my job or avoid being stigmatized as a woman or a feminist. I’ve always been passionate about diversity and inclusion, years before these words were even used as buzzwords by companies to justify their efforts to be more human. Before becoming a mom, I was a very career-focused person. Indeed my job was my baby. So, how could I have my job well done, take care of myself and take care of other human 100% depending on me, making sure he feels safe, nurtured, and loved at the same time?
As of today, in 2020, the world has changed, but most of all, I’ve changed. I’ve become a mom, and with it, the most powerful version of myself, and this helped me becoming a better professional, and even a better People Manager. Let me share with you how.
I gave life.
Hello, I just created a tiny human!
This will never change. Ever. It seems so “common”, but it’s not. It is a miracle. It is so hard and so marvelous at the same time. I can now understand the world of mothers, as I’m part of it. Think about it: only women give birth and then still keep feeding their child with their own bodies. Just writing these lines gives me chills. Don’t you think we should feel powerful about it?
I embrace who I am and what I want.
I’m a woman, I’m a feminist, I’m a mother, I’m a breastfeeding mammal, and I’m proud to be. No one has any idea of what happened in my life. No one knows, except myself. I know I had to struggle to accept negative company cultures I’ve worked for, I know I had to face unique situations as a woman, I know I had a very hard pregnancy. Did you think women should always feel glowing when they are pregnant? Pleeease check it out :)
I’m a diversity, inclusion believer and I do believe that the workplace is somewhere we can change people’s behavior to make the world a more inclusive place. We spend on average a total of 90 000 hours of our life at work, so I do believe every company has a role to play in such topics as non-violent communication, bias, inclusion… human subjects. I want to focus on that in the coming years of my life. Period. I don’t want to be comfortable, I want to be impactful, I don’t want to be conformist, I want to fight for what I believe in and convince people by example.
I don’t fear to appear in the eyes of people as a vulnerable person… I am indeed and accepting this is actually important to me! I don’t fear any judgment, prejudice or lack of knowledge. I’ve never ever been prouder of who I am. I know more about what I deeply want in life and I now accept it entirely. I’d also like the Earth to be a bit better place when I’ll leave it than when I landed on it, and all that because of me. I want my kid to grow up happy, feminist and confident. How could I teach these ideas to him if I don’t embrace those values daily?
I’ve learned to listen to myself- and my family
Exhausted by a difficult pregnancy and birth and in pain, after my son was born, my partner and I had to stay at the hospital for days. Those were the longest days of my life and I don’t remember ever being that scared or worried like that during my adult life. That put things in perspective.
It made me reconsider a lot of things. Now I dare.
I dare to have priorities and assume them. Before having a kid, I had no special requirements or never negotiated my salary for example. Today I have priorities, a loan, a family, responsibilities, and the future of my kid in my hands. I’ll tell you that picking my baby at the kindergarten at 4.30 PM is important for me, I’ll never burn myself out at work anymore and I’ll listen to my limits, body & priorities, I’ll tell you I’m not working today as my kid is sick. End of the story.
I dare to discuss mental charge. Even if I don’t feel it at home, I’m still the only one that can breastfeed our kid, that had to do it during a Zoom work meeting more than once, the one can calm him at any moment with my breast, I have been the one concerned by “separation anxiety” since baby’s eight months, I’m the one that needs to see a midwife, months after giving birth to recover from nine months at being two human beings in my body, I’m the one that has to pump when not with baby all day. That’s a lot of charge, only on me. Let’s talk about it and make it less taboo.
I am a time management master.
… as I never had to do so in my life before. I can’t imagine that a few years back, I thought sometimes that “I didn’t have time” 😅
Every day I wake up, breastfeed, take care of my baby, prepare him for kindergarten, try(!) to meditate 5min, shower, work, cook, eat, pump, work, go to kindergarten, breastfeed, share a 15min full-consciousness play-time moment with my kid, work, cook for my kid, share a 20min full-consciousness diner-time moment with my kid, take him out of his bath, breastfeed, help him relax until sleeps, have diner time with my partner, do cosleeping, cradle, sleep, cradle, breastfeed, sleep, breastfeed, sleep — REPEAT!
I’m now better at organizing my agenda (and believe me, I already was a very organized person), focusing on delivering with more impact, still taking time to listen, but losing less time in small tasks. I’m more productive than ever. I make the best use of my time when I am at work. That means focusing on what really matters first and spend less time on things that bring less value to my company’s and teammates success. I’ve become more assertive than ever and less worried. I mean, I had a baby during a pandemic and “came back at work” with no help at home but a newborn to take care of at the same time. I know how to lead a project with only a couple hours sleep at night and still be efficient the day after. I’m better at saying no, prioritizing and focusing on the big picture.
I also batch-cook with podcasts, clean after bedtime, I read (and write this article) during my kid’s naps, call my mom during bath time, walk both baby and the dog at the park, found a way to buy local and organic online, breastfeed at insolite places sometimes to keep with baby’s schedule, sing to my baby while carrying him during shopping, in a society that’s not build for parenthood (nor for disabled or old people either by the way…), I had no choice, I’ve adapted and found creative solutions. I’m basically WonderWoman.
Ok, I’m not WonderWoman 😉 I’m a working mom like so many others, so I have 2 jobs, and the most important one involves taking care or the future of humanity…and it’s the most rewarding one ever.
I’m a better People Manager, recruiter, and colleague.
I’ve always been a very empathetic person. That’s essential for a People partner, but today I’m convinced that I’m capable to judge even less (yes, big news: we all judge, have bias, even if we work on it).
I know some people can have health, financial, or family issues. But today I’ve been there. Having had a sickness, a pregnancy, a postpartum, a kid in 18 months made me understand even more all problems people can have. I also know more about how to handle small daily issues and focus on big impact solutions. I have this new patience in me and I’m willing to give time to these things. I also want to work in a company that values and respect every life event or choice.
We do go to school and study and do some internships, for years, to eventually work. But there are no “parent studies” and we become a parent in a moment. Once you have a child you have to find answers, decide for another human being, with stress, sleep deprivation, you have to find time to read or inform yourself to understand every single event of his/her life and wellbeing, you have to choose your tribe well, to not listen to misinformed people, choose doctors, make medical decisions, that’s responsibility. That’s also a hard way to learn and there is no limit to your knowledge.
This experience also made me reconsider the way we learn and the source of our knowledge. Once you’re parent, so many people will judge every decision or action you take, try to blame and shame you with their own fears, with their “Someone said to me” and non science-proven / proof checked behaviors. We (with my partner) coached ourselves, protected ourselves and actually teached so many things to our friends and family. It also helped us getting to know ourselves and each other so much better. I’ll ask more, I’ll ask better questions and always question the source of the knowledge.
I’ve never read that much on diversity. I’ve never read and understood that much on people’s brains. I’ve read about neuroscience (Le cerveau de l’enfant, Catherine Gueguen), psychology (Nos enfants sont des merveilles, Alexis Marquet), sleeps science (Dormir sans Larmes, Rosa Jové). Today, as a +30 years old professional and people partner, I’ve never been that skilled and passionate about people’s brains, communication ways, society understanding and psychology.
I’ve learned SO much.
Can I say I’m finally a grown up? 😂
I remember when a colleague of mine, also People Manager, came to see me home when I was sick and pregnant and asked me “What lesson do you think life is giving you through this”? I was not focused on what this hard experience could teach me, I was feeling too bad at the time.
I know now: this helped me with so many things that I’m listing in this article. I’m even very grateful for those tough times now.
I’ve learned so many skills, re-valuated things totally, solved problems I never though I could have, multi-tasked so much… Trust me, calling the plumber while drinking cold tea (you heated up twice already) while breastfeeding baby in baby carrier and making sure his diaper is clean while the laundry is ready for drying and you need to go out for groceries but you didn’t have time to shower yet when you had a 2 and a half hours night … is way more complicated than managing emergencies and deadlines at work.
Parenthood is also the moment of truth with your partner: this is the team job by excellence. Is your co-parent understanding, caring? carrying the house mental charge? reading to understand what’s happening to you though this very intense giving-life experience? do you still communicate, find new ways to communicate? Such a po-wer-ful moment to be lived by a couple. And I can tell you (only now, because it haven’t been a quiet journey): I’ve made my best recruitment -ever, by choosing my other half as the father of my child 🙏🏾
Being less productive or even off work for months was one of my biggest fears before my family project. Pregnancy + postpartum + maternity leave is not something you “add” to your resume. I tried though to mention it on my LinkedIn as some dads do, and have been 10x less hunted during those times. Coincidence? I think not. 😉
And yet, I didn’t press pause on life, nor did I regress. I actually added some sparkles into my life and tried at least to have my experience benefit others. In addition of being the founder of Talent Lab Today, I’m now breastfeeding godmother at “L’Or Blanc” organization, “Ile de France ambassador” of the French Hyperemesis gravidarum organisation and I shared our family breastfeeding experience in a podcast.
Next time someone tells me there is a “hole” on a CV because the person was on parental leave, I’ll smile, and either help this person realize s/he’s a very skilled superhero or ask to train better the recruiters in charge ;)
